Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tearing Down The Cocoon

"Look into my eyes and tell me you love me, till our shadows look a little longer in the falling sun that the white doves in their nest start to envy us."

Hold me; till your heart beat and mine sound together in resonance, till my pulse find a way in your veins like a wandering child finally reaching home. Look into my eyes and tell me you love me, till our shadows look a little longer in the falling sun that the white doves in their nest start to envy us. Kiss me; at the tip of my tongue so that the blisters from praying to god feel like they were not in vain. Lend me a hand and pick me up, and don't let me go and tell me there are no reasons to have bruises in the knee cap anymore, tell me my prayers have been answered.

Take me; to the horizon where the sun smiles and meets the moon. Together we will make them jealous. I will tell you all my secrets while counting the stars in your eyes. Let the sun and moon feel left out for a while, for the radiance from your eyes are more than enough to guide me through the darkest moments. Touch me, till all my nerves whisper your name, till the air in the lungs sing your song. It took me so long to understand that the pain which cannot be confessed are the hardest to heal. So heal me and touch me gently till I turn blue. We will sing the notes under the tree and add a life to the old man in the hill who has given up that love still exists in this world.

Because you, baby, you are a drop of crystal in this world of mess which has lost its clarity. You are the prayer in my lips at night when the wounds resurrect. You, you are the temple in my soul where I pray with the thousand bells ringing at once. The masterpiece in my canvas. The poem in my mind. The notes in my silence. The music in my bones.

So today let me swallow my pride and let me tell you that I need you. Like that little girl next door needs her teddy bear. I am tired of galvanizing my heart. I am breaking the pattern now . I've removed the layers and I've carved your name on my heart. So come and claim me. I am all yours. 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Shadows Of Unknown

"You are whispering some prayers but the god never listened to you, why would he listen now?"

It is 11:57 in the night and the demons have started crawling in your veins like terrorists making their way through a secret tunnel in the dark; one by one, slowly poisoning your blood. Your shadows seem more real than your face. Your face melts like ripe apple melts on being kept in an acid.

Your mother warned you there are no ghosts but no, the journey from your room to bathroom feels like it has been ambushed by the bombs that could shatter your atoms to all the dimensions possible. Your friend had told you how his friends saw something on the dark alley burning at the middle of a night. Your chemistry teacher taught you it is phosphorus that burns at night but, it does not take a genius to see something outside burning so bright that hurts the pupils. You try to close your eyes but the light is approaching you and amazingly you who used to get scared of dark finds yourself getting scared of light. You try to run but the trembling bones, they don't support the motion. The ligaments under your skin have given up the hopes like they are waiting to be crushed by an unknown force which you are sure is stronger than a thousand suns. You think you hear someone laughing, you think you hear someone crying. Your senses like a pendulum clock are dangling from bad to worse. You tell them to stop but they are traitors, they don't listen to you any longer. You are whispering some prayers but the god never listened to you, why would he listen now?

The light outside your window is coming closer. You are sweating every ounce of water you had drank in your life, you might not have tears to cry if the evil could be manipulated with sentiments. You try to stop them, but your skin, your skin feels like an inflated balloon penetrated with a thousand speeding bullets, any attempt to stop the spill would be absurd. The light comes closer. You see he is wearing a hat. It must be a human. But all the murderers in the movies wear hat. Now you wonder if you want that hat figure to be a murderer or a ghost.

All your problems suddenly disappear now. Jasmine has been ignoring you for like a month and you think she likes the new guy from another section more than you. It does not matter. Your father has been drinking a lot and talking loudly. It does not matter. Your teacher today insulted you on your face and everybody laughed. It does not matter. You failed the last test and your family does not even know about it. It does not matter.

The hat figure is three footsteps away from where you can identify him from your window. And now your lungs are giving up. You are hoping this is a hallucination but the clock earlier showed 11:57 and now it is 11:59. It can't be a hallucination. Two steps left. It could be a watchman. Yes, definitely watchman. But he went to his house in village after his mother died. No, not the watchman. Now you are disintegrating in pieces and your brain is ready for one last guess. No name strikes your mind. You call it quits. You inhale wondering if this set of air reaching your lungs would ever make its way back to your throat. You still want it to be a dream.

Final step. You can identify him now. You never liked your friends playing pranks but right now you desperately hope it is them or it is a dream. But it is neither. You see him. And the first thing that hits your mind is that it is over. His head looks like that of a lizard with a hat on. His tongue is rather long and seems to be soaked in glue, his saliva is mixed with blood. He has a broad chest with scales. His feet are stout and large and his soles are gigantic with many toes. You tried to count the toes but lost the count after thirteen.

He looks at you straight in the eyes and says, "You just scrolled and did not hit "like" on your newsfeed on the post on September 13 about me in your facebook. Remember?" Would you laugh? 

Friday, September 5, 2014

The "U" Turn Their Atoms Took

Look into my eyes and tell me you weren't hurt. Tell me you didn't think of them as monsters. With them laughing so loud that your cry for help seemed like just another reason to laugh, tell me it didn't make you cry louder. With the volcanoes bursting in your vein, with your bones trembling in front of you disobeying your orders to stand still; one more breath please, stand still please, that day you'd called your god traitors for they had given birth to look alike demons who you'd hoped you'd never have to see them wandering through your dorm rooms like they own you, like your flesh was their property, like your bones were meant to be dissolved with their words of hatred that could leave the god trembling watching their sons strangling their brother's throat.

That day you sat in solitude cursing yourself for breathing in the thin air which walled you from them, that thin air which marked the territory of your tears trying to reach the ocean and their laughter so loud they could crash the bells of temples, leave them down to ground and destroy every evidence that something even lived there. Their words leaving your soul like Hiroshma and Nagashaki, you wondered if green would ever appear out of the desert they had created. Do you remember?

Do you remember the talks to your mother where you were crushed like an empty can, but you held yourself together; those five minutes, those five minutes where you acted so strong, those five minutes when the strength of your veins were tested like a tsunami testing the strength of a dam that is hollow inside, just waiting to be broken. Please don't rupture now, two more minutes to go. "I am fine mother." Lies. No you weren't. You reminded yourself to inhale again and then you wondered if it was even worth it. The journey of the air from your throat to the lungs felt like it would take forever. The sky didn't fill with colors and the rainbows looked like the work of devil painting from his crayons dipped in blood. We are all atoms bound together with a glue which you had discovered that day could be easily washed away with hatred. And your eyes saw yourself in the floor shattered into so many pieces you wondered if it was worth collecting it again only to be broken by the first words uttered by the masters wandering around your room with the sound of their boots so loud that could easily silence your soul.

But a year later, today the hate has metamorphosized you to the exact person who you'd raised your voice against. You've waged war against your own soul. You've handed John 19, Jack 21 and Lisa 20 with antidepressants Desvenlafaxine, Levomilnacipran. It's funny how your atoms took a complete U turn in three sixty five days. Just because you were robbed does not give you any right to pull the trigger on the innocents. My delusional friend, I hope you find your way back.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Diary Of 4th September 2014

4th September, Thursday Morning 8 AM

When I was thirteen, I had a crush on a girl from school. My best friend gave me an advice, "Samrat, play hard to get buddy. Nobody likes cheap stuffs." I thought, the man has point. I played hard to get. She ended up with him instead. That bastard played politics on me.

When I was fourteen, a new cute girl made an entry on school. My another friend told me he had crush on her. I also had a secret crush on her. I tried to eliminate the competition and gave the same advice to him which my traitor friend had earlier given me. But she somehow liked the way he acted and they ended up together. And the universe did its wicked politics yet again over me and I ended up becoming a cupid instead.

At fifteen a girl who had never talked to me came to me when I was sitting all alone waiting for my turn of batting in the school yard. "I know we haven't talked before and this is going to sound awkward", she said..My heart started racing so fast, I swear if I had let it haul free, it would cross the equator twice.."There is nothing to feel awkward when you let your soul speak, there can never be anything more pristine than that", I said the creepiest line I ever said in my entire life (That's not true, I've said other loads of creepy lines ..but anyways).."Umm what's the phone of Pradeep? I kind of like him", she said.. Burn!! Burn!! Burn!!! "Yeah..he does not have a phone" "Well, Can you give him this letter?" I should have given that moron's number, I thought. I do gym everyday and lift like 20 kg weight like its nothing (That again is not true. If you have seen me, I look like a person suffering from marasmus and kwarshiorkar combined) but that fucking letter which she asked me to carry which probably weighed like 10 grams was one of the heaviest thing I ever lifted. And again the wicked universe made me a sad cupid.

At sixteen and half, I met this girl. I counted the petals. They gave me a green sign. We chatted for a while, she gave me green sign. His brother happened to read her chat logs with me, he gave me the middle finger sign. But the lovers aren't afraid I thought. That was until I knew his brother was a real don. But love is complete madness I thought again. If I leave her, I may break her heart, but if I don't that bastard is going to break my bones. As it turned out I guess I loved my ribs more than I loved her. "Coward", she yelled.."Thanks dude", my vertebral columns replied.

But I guess it all happens for a reason. I am dating a new girl these days. And I am going out with her today for a movie. She is the one who gave me a perfect reason why things never worked out between others. One who taught me that the walk through the tunnel is dark and scary but when the light comes then it is all worth it.

4th September, Thursday 8 PM
What the fuck did that bitch mean, when she said, "Samrat, you are so sweet. You are like my younger brother!!"

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Why The Big Bang Theory Sucks??

Big bang theory is an overrated, non funny, boring and sucky tv series. Everything about the show is simply wrong. I know most of you are fans of that ridiculous and non funny show. I actually find it funny that how the show is not funny at all. Here are four MAIN reasons why the show is horrible. I said, "main" because if you count all, there are like a billion reasons why this show sucks. But these are the top ones:

1. The Background laugh 
What the hell is the problem with the editors? After everything and I mean literally, everything, they play the track, "HAHHA"..Someone looks at other and comes the laugh track  "HAHAHA"..It's like saying, "hey idiots, it's time to laugh, why are you sitting idle, laugh". The show is shot in front of live audience but the track they play is not from the live shot. Yes, there is background laugh even in the epic series, "FRIENDS" but they are right bang at the time and also, they are of the live audience only. But in Big Bang Theory, the annoying laugh track makes me want to punch myself on my ears so that  I can free my ears from the tragedy of listening to them. Play them after you say a joke. Not 20 minutes before the real joke. The show is just full of laugh tracks and no laugh by the people who should laugh.

2. The Pirated Jokes
When it comes to jokes and humor, the show is bankrupt. There are no jokes. Only background laughs. And even if there are, almost all the jokes are the copied ones. Even "Sheldon's Spot" is copied from Friends, where Joey Tribbiani says, "Rosetta (his chair) does not move. That chair is equidistant from the bathroom, from kitchen, and you don't need to strain your eyes while watching TV". I mean the main joke of the show itself is copied without a slightest hesitation. It's just a shame on the show!! "I love you" said Ross, 'Thank You" said Emily" in FRIENDS. ."I love you" said Leonard and "Thank you" said Penny in The Big Bang Theory. There are just tons and tons of scenes, which if I keep on writing here will occupy a lot and lot of space. It hurts me, it physically hurts me, you know to know that the show is getting credit for all the things it didn't deserve. The damn writers should be sued. And upon that the way they want to make its viewers laugh is the same. Aren't we all tired of the same thing, that one of those four boys say something about science in a long sentence and there is a pause for a while which is obviously filled with the annoying backround laugh where people are laughing as cheering as if someone put a gun on their head and said, 'Laugh bitches, laugh' and Penny says, "What?" and again the same story with the background laugh. The show is like (A+B)2. The same formula, again and again and again. Well, bite me!!

3. The Characters And Couples
The only character I liked was Howard and now they have made him marry with a weird girl with a weird name "Burneddate"; whose pitch of speaking is higher than a mosquito. Howard's mother used to be funny. But now, god isn't it getting enough already? I mean she even shouts in the wedding of her son and does not come nearby. Like common? what is wrong with the show!! And Raj? He can't talk to girls but after having a drink he can, and after a break up he does not even need drink to talk to them. Ahh nonsense and more nonsense. And Sheldon? God!! Sheldon is the most irritating character in tv series. Knocking on door saying, "Penny, Penny, Penny" in the all series and almost all episodes? The joke bag of writers seems to be filled with crap. Sheldon- Amy? Ah isn't that the most irritating and weird and not in a good way, but 'I want to bang my head and destroy my laptop my throwing it off Mount Everest" way!! And Penny? Her acting is the exact replica of Jennifer Ainston's acting as Rachel in Friends. Her expression with mouth, gestures. They are all just the same. The set is just overcrowded and all the people who were never required in the first place, it makes me suffocate.

4. Wrong Depiction Of Nerds
The show is about nerds. But those characters, do they really represent nerds? I myself consider myself a kind of nerd and trust me, in my high school, my class was all full of nerds. The way they show nerd shows how the writers and the directors have absolutely no idea, that we are not living in 1950s anymore. Someone please hand them the calendar. I mean the bath curtains are made of periodic table, the comics, ahh..The T-shirts that has a robot in it or with sth said like Heisenberg proability, like common!! And upon that the way Sheldon speaks. He gets nuts when his haircut gets delayed by a day. What are they trying to show? And for god's shake, the way Sheldon speaks, Do nerds speak like that? I don't know why people find that funny. An alien is more believable figure than Sheldon. Sheldon is like hundred percent irritating and zero percent funny.

So, All in all, The Big Bang Theory is highly mundane, overrated, moronic, crappy show about smart people which is watched by dumb viewers who find it funny when they cannot understand what the smart characters are saying, filled with ridiculous laugh tracks, unreal characters, pirated jokes from the amazing series and thinks itself to be the best. When I watch it, I can feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one!!

Friday, April 11, 2014

People's Representative??Really??

"The air I breathe is doped with Carbon of your Mercedes, the air you breathe is purified by air freshener of your AC adding the spice of your flavor. Your shoes boast pitch roads, my slippers cries mud. Your black suit speaks the vulgar language which my cheap t-shirt will never understand. Under your pillow is the bundle of money, under my pillow is photograph of my brother who was killed in your people's movement."

I live in this world where one has to burn candles in night due to shortage of power in the nation. You live in the world where the wires never know what it is to run out of electronic beams.
It is steamy 46 degree in my house. There is a gentle breeze of 22 degree in your guest room singing the song of your triumph of your election results.

In my world, people ride in a congested micro getting stuck in traffic jam at every blink of the eyes. In your world, you ride in your cozy Mercedes guarded by at least five other vans clearing other innocent vehicles with the loud sirens boasting your arrival.

In my world, if people don't work for five days, they don't have enough to eat. In your world, you don't make constitution for five years; you get salary, you get government privileges, you travel in black suits as if you are the atlas of the world.

And How do you even dare to call yourself my representative?

The air I breathe is doped with Carbon of your Mercedes, the air you breathe is purified by air freshener of your AC adding the spice of your flavor. The water I drink is from the filter stored in an old plastic bottle of coke, the water you drink is the nascent water coming out of sealed bottle of mineral water. Your shoes boast pitch roads, my slippers cries mud. Your black suit speaks the vulgar language which my cheap t-shirt will never understand. Under your pillow is the bundle of money, under my pillow is photograph of my brother who was killed in your people's movement.

The old man beside my house, he still has a black stain on his nails. He still hopes that his son will not have to work in the Arab anymore, that his daughter would not sell her body to the strangers anymore, that his grandchildren can go to school, yes the same in which your son goes too. He still remembers the speech you told during the elections. But do you?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

My Wish With Infinity

"I hope you have found a way to stop biting your nails. I hope your dog has finally learned his toilet habits. I hope you've removed the stains of the spilled grape juice from your white t-shirt. I hope you have learnt to play poker and you're not giving too much away from your eyes. I hope you are heading to horizons, I hope the kite in your hand is flying higher than ever and soaring in the sky, I hope your heart is singing a thousand songs and neither of them are the sad ones."

This is for you. These are the naked words out of my pen, naked but not they're not ashamed. I would try and dress them. I would try and make them pretty, make them sound witty. But I am sick of seeing the well cut flowers in the vase.

It has now been years we haven't talked, there is an emptiness inside these bars of rib cages, some wounds don't even heal in ages, my veins are pouring in these pages, I am running out of blood. I know that the leaves fall in autumn does not mean they don't come back in spring, the leaves come again, the new ones. I know there are other fishes in the sea, but lover, I am too tired to go fishing, I don't want a fish.

I am not at my best these days. I am searching for a warrant to live again. These days my body is disintegrating into parts. These days I need to order my lungs to breathe, these days I need to order my heart to beat, these days I need to order my legs to walk. I constantly whisper my bones to stay strong, this morning I pleaded my eyes to open. It feels like they have lost faith in me, they don't do what I ask them to. I asked brain to stop thinking too much, but it just ignored me. Last night, I asked that lone crying comet about its split with the star, but it just screamed, "leave me alone" and vanished in the thin air. I wish you were here.

I don't know under which sky you live in. So world, if you see her, tell her that I hope whoever runs in her impulses has finally found a way in her veins, I hope you have learned to smile even in pain, I hope you're heart is beating more happily than ever and there are no strains. I hope his arms are warm enough so that you don't have to lit a fire in December, I hope you have found a way to stop biting your nails. I hope your dog has finally learned his toilet habits. I hope your brother has learned to put a straight tika on your forehead in bhaitika, you said it looked like leaning tower of Pisa, but I swear you'd looked like a goddess in those photographs. I hope you've removed the stains of the spilled grape juice from your white t-shirt. I hope you have learnt to play poker and you're not giving too much away from your eyes, I hope you've changed the tone of your alarm, you said it annoying you so much that you almost wanted to throw it from your window.

Wherever you are, I hope you are heading to horizons, I hope the kite in your hand is flying higher than ever and soaring in the sky, I hope your soul is dancing in the moonlight. I hope your heart is singing a thousand songs and neither of them are the sad ones. I hope wherever you are, you are having the time of your life, I hope you're happy than ever, I hope you are smiling, I hope your lips have learnt to laugh more often than ever. I hope you are happy. I really do. I hope you're happy.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Silence After The Storm

"This layer of vacuum between my skin and yours, it does not send cold down my spine, it is my blanket. It gives me warmth. It gives me pleasure. Perhaps that exact pleasure for which a guy loves a whore."

Now that you've gone, there is emptiness. But I am content with emptiness. There is so much of an emptiness followed by emptiness, followed by emptiness that there no space left for you or your memories or for anyone any longer.

I am in love with this vacuum. I want to be soaked and I want to be rinsed in it. I want to bathe in this vacuum, I want to breathe this vacuum. No, it does not frighten me, it does not bring cold down my spine. This layer of vacuum between my skin and yours is my blanket. It gives me warmth. It gives me pleasure. Perhaps that exact pleasure for which a guy loves a whore.

And those memories you say? Well I have ignored them so much that they refused to stay with me. I have ignored them so much that they have begun to doubt were they even real or a mere hallucination in a drunken Friday night. They pleaded my attention, they begged me. But I played it like a stone, I played it like you and they died because I refused to water them, I refused to feed them. Even their carcass was scattered by the wind. I don't even know where the wind took them. And I don't even wish to know.

I know that you think you define me. That you think you protected me with your arms around me. No, as it turns out you suffocated me, you took the space with your arms around my shoulders and made it difficult to send air down my throat.

 While driving a car, the man who had once walked down the same street thinks, that the sun is not almighty anymore, that the sun is following him, that the sun cannot live without him anymore, that the sun will die without him and he drives in awe. But once he applies the brakes, he understands the sun does not move. He comes to the awakening that the sun never moved, the sun never moves, the sun does not shake.

No, sweetheart you got it wrong again. I don't hate you. You are neither my heart nor my appendix. You are neither the fuel nor the friction. You are neither the air nor the poison. You are nothing.

These days, I am entirely self sufficient. These days, I can sew my own stitches you know, pull my own bandages. These days I have learnt to enjoy the ride alone. Just me and my shadow!!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

हाँस प्रिय हाँस

म ईतिहास सम्झदै रबर चपौदै छु। तिमी उता हाँस्दै छौ।
म यता ति तस्बिरमा तिम्रो अक्रिती खोज्दै भौतरिदै छु। तिमी उता हाँस्दै छौ।
एक्लै अफु र आफ्नो छायाका सात कबडी खेल्दै छु। तिमी उता हाँस्दै छौ।
म यहाँ लुक्दै डरौदै बर्तमानसँग आफ्नो झुसे खिया लगेको तर्बार सँग युद्द मा एक्लई निस्केको छु। तिमी उता हाँस्दै छौ।

हाँस प्रिय हाँस अज पेट मिचिमिची हाँस,
हाँस प्रिय हाँस अज यो तिम्रो जीतमा हाँस,
हाँस अज मेरो एक्लोपनमा जुधिरहेको जिन्दगीलाई सम्झदै ति यादका खिल्ली उडौदै हाँस,
आजै हाँस प्रिय किनकी भोली म हस्नेछु, किनकी प्रिय संसार गोलो छ!! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Victor Walks Alone

"...People may not wave at you in the morning on your way, your photo may not get much likes in facebook, phone may not ring even in your birthday. You need to be okay with this. The victor walks alone..."

I don't hate them but feel pity for them, trying so hard to fit in. Like a lion trying to fit in the pack of wolves, like an eagle making its way among sparrows.

I don't know whether they see it black or they see it red, but they see only one color. You can spot them. They are everywhere chained by their thoughts. They are not happy but have a delusion of possession, getting stuck, hiding in the packs. Six billion naked stories and all of them crying. Crying is nonsense, it solves nothing.

They would sell their souls to be in same wavelength. The direction of wind does not matter to them. They are satisfied to go the either way. They would sell their flesh just to see a glimpse of them staring at them. That's all matters to them, not the reason of glimpse but only the glimpse. Claps and applause that's what they want; and they happily strip for it, naked in front of their drunken herds.

But a winner stands alone. But man's relation with his dream is the most important one and his relations with people beside him should be a second priority. But they are too coward to imply it. A man is a creature of thought, a man is a creature of mind. And the creator wants to witness something great from this creature of thought.

"We" is a dangerous word. It demands fish and camel to survive together. It asks fool and wise to stand on a same platform. It keeps parasite and a creator in a same ring. It holds robber and the robbed in the same group.

So, yes you could either sit there wondering why your phone did not ring or why you weren't invited at some stupid bowling game and try to be more like them by killing who you are piece by piece. Or you can get up, dust yourself off and carry on!!

The thing is you won't always wake up with a good morning text or go to bed in the lullaby of good night text, people may not wave at you in the morning on your way, your photo may not get much likes in facebook, phone may not ring even in your birthday. You need to be okay with this. The victor walks alone. 

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