Something Misunderstood

I know that you think I would jump off that tallest bridge if you leave me, I will write your fucking name by drawing blade across my skin. Well, you think wrong. You are not my heart, you are my vermiform appendix. You are vestigial. You are surplus. Your love is not the fuel of my life, it is the friction; it is the resistance. I am and have always been entirely self sufficient.

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Heart Speaks

Dear love,

The swiftest horse was born to run, the rainbow was meant to be stared at, the birds were meant to fly, this hand was meant to write you this letter, you were meant to feel it.

Here I am; gathering more courage than I ever had, and perhaps more than I will ever have to letting you know that I have wrestled enough with myself… Sometimes it felt like I won, sometimes it felt like they won. And after ultimate realization, I guess none of them ever wins, it’s a never ending battle.

I fought with those feelings enough with every ounce of courage I had. I refuse to think about it. I ignore it. I delete it. I change the topic. I increase the volume. I change the song. I block it out. I run away. I scream, I shout. I wash my face, I go for walk. I call my pals, I laugh with friends. But at each moment there is a silent war within me. At each moment there is a me wishing you were here. At each moment there is a me looking for an eternal peace, in other words, looking for you.

Yes, I understand that there is not a single heart in this world that does not have problem with another heart. These streets are flooding with the invisible blood pouring from everyone’s heart, bleeding inside, silently screaming, crying in agony and pain. Crazy how the dictionary is a big bulky book, when it comes down to saying how you feel, all the pages seem empty. Crazy how all these hormones eventually begin to rule you…

I am not saying that I cannot live without you. It's just that I do not want to. Of course I will eventually be fine. Even those deepest scars, they fade away with time, don’t they? Even those shattered pieces of heart find a way back to each piece and fit exactly as before as if they were never broken in the first place. It will be stupidity of me to think that my life cannot run without you, it can. I will learn to smile again, maybe it will be different from the one you had taught me. But believe me, smile, I will. I will still be laughing at all those silly jokes, I will still be tweeting, I will still be blogging, Modern Family will still be funny, MJ would still entertain me, adventures of Sherlock Holmes would still thrill me. But again letting you go will still be tragic, I will be heartbroken and no matter how much I try to minimize those lonely thoughts, I guess there will be a hollowness inside me.

As time keeps on twisting me, I am learning that the hardest thing to govern in this world is heart. Till today I tried to hide away from it, run away thinking that these eventually die. But then again as it turns out you cannot have a life by avoiding life itself. Love is not something purchased in the market you see, it does not come with price tags, warranty and guaranty. You cannot buy everything, you cannot predict the endurance of everything. Love is really fragile. And perhaps we are not even its best mother. We can just hope that love finds its way out into this dreary world and survives against all odds where people think more and feel less.

Time is crazy isn’t it? One moment think you are the strongest one, next moment you are thrashed down and all you know is you are crying for help loudly than ever before. Sadness is sometimes just a laughter away, happiness, just a tear drop away. Till I met you, I thought I had the most resistant heart one can ever have, now it's funny how you penetrated your ways inside me without giving me a clue of what's happening and as I see you I just smile, I don't know why, I just do.

“And they lived happily thereafter” is a fictional theme. I am not a fool floating in air. I know it does not exist, so neither am I expecting it from you. But “They trusted each other with all their soul and lived eternally sometimes compromising BETWEEN each other and FOR each other, simply because they loved to see each other smile” is possible I guess. Because the first thing about love is compromise, not because you will get something in return but because their happiness is your happiness.

Love does not make the world go around, its gravity. But it certainly makes the ride of the life better. Rainbow looks brighter, chirping of birds sound sweeter, the food served with the memories seem tastier. Funny as I think about it, crazy love!!

But it is heart and heart is stupid. It does no math. It is like a small child. It does not see the big obstacles. It only sees what it wants. And when it does not get what it wants, its when it breaks, its when it bleeds, its when it cries with the loudest cry one can produce.

I know that I sound crazy don’t I? May be I am, maybe I am not. Perhaps I am simply being stupid. But as they say love is stupid as long as you are not willing to be stupid you don’t deserve to be loved or to be in love. So no matter whether you love me or not, I love you. And even if the fact that I love you, disappoints you, then I am not sorry because it is how it feels and one cannot be sorry for how he feels, so I am not taking my words back either. Here, I am saying it proudly that I have fallen in love with this beautiful girl who is reading this letter, and I want to let her know that I really, really, really love her.

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Versus

"Your love leaves you and you think everything ends. It doesn't. You go through a rough rough day and think the life itself is rough. It isn't. They laugh at us at times and we begin to doubt ourselves. We shouldn't."

I remember the day I was second for the first time in my life. It was class 7 first term. I cried, I cried a lot, I cried my heart out. I thought the world ended. It didn't.

I remember the day I was beaten, and by beaten I mean severely beaten by our EPH teacher with stick and pipe. It was class nine. I did not go to school the other day because it was just so damn embarrassing. I thought the world ended, it didn't.

I got selected in the debate competition by SAARC. But I couldn't secure a position there. I felt terribly terribly bad. I remember that feeling. It was frustration mixed with anger and guilt, no need to mention that I was engulfed by sadness. I thought the world ended, it didn't.

And I guess it does not as well. Until and unless there is that heart within you pumping the blood, contracting and relaxing, believe me your world does not end as well.

Yes, at times we feel everything ended. Your love leaves you and you think everything ends. It doesn't. You go through a rough rough day and think the life itself is rough. It isn't. We meet some bad people and feel everyone except us is bad. They aren't. We go through some bad exams and think we are poor at learning. We aren't. They laugh at us at times and we begin to doubt ourselves. We shouldn't. We cry at times and think the life is filled with tears. It isn't. We encounter some awkward and embarrassing moments in life and shut ourselves down within four walls afraid to face the outer world. We shouldn't.

You need to wipe your tears and begin again. Because my friend, your world is not going to end at some awkward moment, poor result, heartbreak, bad experiences. Trust me, it isn't. The greatest mistake one can make is to think he is dead and not do anything when in fact he isn't. So this is the call of the moment, get up. Because everything, and by everything I mean everything happens for a reason.

Your love left you so that you could meet someone new who wouldn't leave you. You met some bad people so that you know that not everyone around you can be trusted. You went through some awkward and embarrassing moments so that you wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. You went through a rough day so that you will be happy when you have a good day. I remember a line from How I met your mother where Ted says to Barney, "Everyday cannot be legendary. Because if each day is legendary, then none of the days is legendary".

Because experiences will help us, both the bad ones and the good ones. You need to know that your world does not end at some rough patches. Believe me it does not.

It is a long, long fight. Who has seen the crystal ball? Who knows whether there will be bed of roses or gates of fire?? You need to prepare yourself for even harder moments. It is stupidity to give up at something that should not even attract your attention. You are here to do conquer, one bad storm and you are thinking of giving up?? Well you shouldn't. Get up on your feet and fight back. Your world hasn't ended and as long as it hasn't you need to fight. Darwin's survival of fittest, remember??

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Eighteen Inches

“You call that happy? I call it illusiion!! Love is a chemical defect, it works exactly opposite to your common senses. It is destructive to logical faculty.”

"No, it is wrong", the brain said, loudly this time, perhaps with a bigger fear. The one who is afraid is the one to talk louder because he is the one who needs to show that he is not afraid!! An actor can imitate everything, but how can he imitate reflex action??

"Why is it wrong?", heart replied. My heart was speaking for the first time in seventeen years, and yes it had logic!! "Is it wrong to be happy? Is it wrong to be with the person that can make you smile without any reason? Is it wrong to live your life with a REAL smile and not a FAKE one? Why is it wrong?", heart was furious, "I don’t get it", said the heart!!

"You don’t get it, then darling, at least try to get it!! You call that happy? I call it illusiion!! Love is a chemical defect, it works exactly opposite to your common senses. It is destructive to logical faculty. Listen, when you make your happiness dependent on others, that becomes your pressure point, and there baby, you loose it. The only reason you are able to fool many people is because you are a beautiful lie, and I, I am the hard truth, and I am not like others, NO, I am not the common wealth!!", replied the brain heavily. It was brain, the logical centre, talking about logics, giving reasons, looking at the advantage and disadvantage of every single item, through every angles possible. It always did one cool thing that impressed me, it gave logics and played with a cool toy, reason!!

There was difference of eighteen inches between these two bastards, brain and heart and say there was world war between them!! Cannon balls flying over them, none of them willing to loose, both equally competent!! Yes, there used to be frequent fights between them, but brain would always win. But this? This was far too big. There could only be one winner. Even, thinking of making these two co-operate with each other would be simply stupidity and I by no means was stupid. Defeat of one of them was certain!!

"Oh, look at you dear brain", it was heart's turn to reply, "talking loudly, giving logics!! Your logic can conquer moon, but it can never explain why a hungry mother would feed her children instead of feeding herself? And there, yes, there your logic fails!! I know that you won’t admit it, but your LOGICAL FACULTY is destroyed in seconds, the moment she smiles at you!! Nah, you talk big, your logical faculty is nothing!! The real truth is, you are a real big coward brain, you're afraid you'd lose her, so you're giving these logics, masking yourself and you're speaking against love just like the fox saying, "the grapes are not tasty". The fox wants it, but it cannot get it, so it simply says that the grapes are not tasty. Nahh!! You're just a big coward. Today you're afraid that you'd lose her. Look at you today, you're afraid!!", heart was in absolutely no mood to lose!!

Afraid? Me? Baby, have a life. I don’t care about other bodies, but in this one, I am the king, and you are only an appendix. And that perhaps is the reason why I right at people's head and you are below me. I am the logic centre, unlike you, I clearly know what is right and what is wrong, and I decide it in seconds using senses, but you?? You talk lovely stuff; you talk exactly what one wants to hear. You appear beautiful from outside, you appear bright, you attract moths, and later burn them with your heat. And darling I am not a moth!! You're just a big liar, giving others false hopes, giving them unnecessary puzzles and you watch them dance.", brain had all the winning experience. It knew exactly when to play the hard balls and when to play the soft ones!!

Brain would communicate me by sending impulse and heart via hormones. Impulse would travel lot quicker; brain had a clear advantage over heart. "Listen champ", the impulse said, "The game of life becomes too elaborate for people, they simply get carried away. They forget their path, they forget their goals, they forget their ambitions, they forget their purpose and they get distracted, they flow in sentiments, emotions and feelings. I have high sympathy for them.  But tomorrow, I don’t want you to be like them. Yes, it appears lovely from outside, it is persuading, I accept it. But its false, it is fake, it is simply an illusion, it is mere a mirage. That thing beating in your chest is your heart and you should never let it rule your head. Because the heart is fake, it gives false hopes, makes people believe false things. It is a spider, it makes thousands of threads and it is simply going to clap as you dance in its web.", said brain, trying its best to persuade me. I had never seen my brain struggle so hard to convince me. May be this followed the Darwin's law, "Survival of the fittest", remember it? It was do or die for both of them!!

At the end of the day, the brain was right!! People begin to flow in sentiments and forget what is right and what is wrong. They see what they want to see, they hear what they want to hear and they interpret the way they want things to be. Yes, the brain was completely right. That thing beating in chest should be a vermiform appendix, just pump blood and that is it, you're done there. The brain was right.

"Tring", "Tring", my mobile rang, it was her text. Involuntarily, I smiled. "The game is not over", the heart replied!! Eighteen inches, eighteen years, and damn it, the game is still not over!!

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The Infinity Rule

And when I am stuck at work and you feel like I care less about you,
And when your world is cold and when I am still not there to wrap you up in my arms,
And when you begin to question yourself if you're still in  my head,
Then remember my love, infinity minus something is still an infinity!!

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Enough Now, Let's Do It

At the end of the day, we never regret the things we did. ( Not the typical start this time..;) We regret the things we didn't do. We regret the chances we didn't take, we regret the opportunities we didn't see, we regret the relationship we did not have, we regret the courage we didn't show, we regret the patience we couldn't pull off.

As I see it through my glasses,  every moment is a unique struggle, every moment is a unique battle. Each person breathing is having a battle in his own life. Some go through bad relationship, some go through tough professional side, some go through economic crisis, some go through unsupportive family. Fine is really a bullshit word, no one is ever fine. It's a word that people use when they are tired of being asked "what's wrong?'". 

My point is, you cannot go on complaining about what you don't have. It's not only you who has got problems, its the whole 6 billion basterds who have it as well. Rightly as said in Movie, "Rocky Balboa"; "Life is always about how hard you get hit but keep on moving forward, how much you can take but keep on moving forward; that's how winning is done".  Yes, sometimes the problems just appear more stronger than you are. Sometimes the mountains just seem so high. But as said in movie: Seventeen Again" When you are younger everything seems like the end of the world, but it is not, it is just the beginning". 

The simple fact is if you really wanted to have it, then you really would. If you really wanted that high percentage in your mark sheet, then you'd be happily willing to sacrifice your sleep. If you really wanted not to feel lonely, then you'd give up your ego, grab the phone and call some friends. But the sad point is that perhaps you cannot have both. You can choose only one. Listen close to the man inside you then choose one. And once you've decided what you want, then go for it like a mad dog; not giving a fuck to what others think, not giving a damn to what WOULD happen, what COULD happen and so on. Take the Michael Jordan's motto, "Just Do It". 

Because until you go and do what you need to do, it is always going to lay there, UNFINISHED. And it is going to haunt you. People say that giving up is easy, having patience, persistence, discipline is difficult. Well, I see it the other way. No, giving up is not easy. It is heart breaking. It is haunting and till you complete what you need to, it is always going to haunt you. You may come up with brilliant excuses to say what went wrong to others. But how are you going to sleep when you know that, what really went wrong was your inability to give yourself a gentle push. Because as I see unused talent is the saddest tragedy one can have.

I am not giving you suggestions on how to live as if I am a superstar or highly successful person. What I am saying is that if you want it, then go for it, take your chances, show some discipline. Be willing to drop some sweat, be willing to show courage when needed, push yourself to another height. You will love it up there.

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Nineteen

You have somehow managed to fight, struggle and yes, WIN these eighteen years. So, a big congratulations and many many happy returns of the day, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU :) And this new digit of age comes with new responsibilities, new aims, new goals, new ambition and needless to say with new HOPE. So today let me tell you something which perhaps, you already know..:)

It’s a new day, a new beginning. Yes, we may have done mistakes in the past. We may have done idiotic things, things we wished we had not done. But perfection is a myth, it does not exist. We all do mistakes, don't we? We are all humans, and to do a mistake is perhaps a birth right. But doing the same wrong deeds again and again is foolishness and you by no means are foolish, and that is for sure. So from TODAY ON, I want you to stop worrying about past. Whether it was glorious or haunting, it is past and the sad truth is that you cannot change past. But what you have is future, a golden future calling your name, waiting for you to make a grand entry there. But you can never reach if you don’t go. The first step of getting something done is getting started. So, from TODAY ON, do not look back, because many achievements and accomplishments could never be completed because of failure to begin. Today, I want you to begin.

From TODAY ON, I want you to know that life is about finding happiness in smallest of the stuffs. Many people wander through their life in search of happiness thinking it to be a destiny. But it’s not a destiny. It’s something you create by your own. Happiness is found in the smallest of things we don’t really count. It is found in mother's smile, father's warm hug, sister's chit chat, dog's cute sleep. So learn to be happy and smile too often, after all as I have told you many times, "Keep smiling, smile is what suits you the best, just perfect".

From TODAY ON, I want you to realize that you should take nothing in life for granted. Yes, NOTHING. Because the things we take for granted are sometimes the things that mean the most to us. We are humans and as I said, we make mistakes. How many times do we realize the importance of sound health until we fall ill?? How many times we take the food for granted until we are really hungry? How many times do we take someone's presence for granted until we realize what their absence really means? So, from TODAY ON I want you to be thankful for the things you have but keep on striding for the best because life is simply not about waiting for miracles to happen. It is about believing that miracles can happen and then, making it a reality.

From TODAY ON, I want you to go out there and show what you are really worth. Stop listening to what others say or think about you. Remember in games, it is always the audience who shouts, not the players. So, from TODAY ON, Stop measuring your success based upon the success of others, the scale of measuring your success begins from the topmost level of other's success scales. And I really mean it.  FROM TODAY ON, I want you to take risks and play. Its far better to live a life of, "Well", than, "What would have happened if?? .." Sometimes, as you might have discovered, you really can’t listen to others, you gotta listen to your heart and give a damn about what others think. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live your life, you are the one who needs to drive your own cab of life. You are not meant to sit at passengers sit, watching someone drive your cab at the direction, THEY want you to go. You need to drive your cab by yourself.

As I am remembering you and writing for you in my desktop, I am having a hard time thinking of what you should begin because you are way wiser than me and you know what to do, when to do and how to do. But sometimes even the best fall down. Sometimes we fall hard so bad that we doubt we can stand again and we begin to question ourselves and get lost in the crowd. So when you think you are feeling low, when you think you are disappearing in the crowd, then remember me, I will always be there for you. And No, you are not meant to be lost in the crowd. And as I have known you, you are born to lead. You had once told me, "The power of spectacle decreases only among five people out of hundred. So I am among five out of hundred". No, you had lied. You are not among five in hundred. You are one in a million and I want you to remain that way. I HOPE that one day; you will realize your true potential. I HOPE that one day; you will really get what you're worth. I HOPE the crown of success suits the best in your head. Sometimes we just don’t see our true worth by ourselves, so I HOPE that one day, you will see yourself, the way I see you through my eyes, today I HOPE.

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Special Times With You

Dedicated to all my wonderful friends I've met!!I love you very much!!!

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives,

Where we're gonna be when we turn twenty five,

I keep thinking things will never change,

Keep on thinking, things will always be the same

But when we leave this year, we wont be coming back,

No more hanging out, cause we are on a different track,

And if you got something to say,

You’d better say it right now cause you don’t have another day

Cause we're moving on and we cannot slow down,

These memories are playing like a film without sound,

And I keep thinking of that night in June,

I don’t know much of love

But it came too soon

And there was me and you,

And there was me and you,

And we got the real blue,

And we got the real blue

Stay at home talking on telephone,

We'd get so excited and we'd get so scared

Laughing at ourselves thinking life aint fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on we remember,

All the times we had together,

As our lives change come WHATEVER,

We will still be friends forever

So what if we get big jobs?

And we make big money,

When we look back now,

Will our jokes still be funny?

Will we think of tomorrow, like we think about now?

Can we survive out there?

Can we make it somehow?

I guess I thought that this world would never end

And suddenly its like we're men and women

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?

Will there memories fade when I leave this town

I keep; I keep thinking that it's not a good bye,

Keep on thinking it's time to fly, fly high

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Stop your Bullshit

Dear Parents, stop your bullshit!!I don’t care how you lived back then? By having a candle placed between there of your brothers or by taking eating, "makai- bhatta", all days, I don’t care. That’s the way you lived. Now just because you lived that way doesn't mean that I can struggle the same way. Time has changed. That was not the only condition of yours but of the whole society back then, and so were you adapted to it. But as I said time has changed. And we need to adapt here, and not at black and white of 80s. We have our problems, our different goals, different thinking. So, for love of god, stop your bullshit.

Darling, stop your bullshit!!Stop living in a fantasy of Romeo and Julliet, just stop it. Stop thinking that a prince charming will come in his beautiful white horse to take you, darling, he might come in a bicycle that doesnot have horns or has just been punctured. So stop living in a fantasy and stop thinking it will work out the Cindrella way, "the happily thereafter theme". Oh for god damn!!stop your bullshit!!

Dear society, stop your bullshit!!I recognize each of your faces. The day I won, with such a small face you were giving me congratulations and I know you very well, the day I lost, you were the ones to clap at my failure, and you think you can fool me?? Stop living this dual life and stop saying that you care me. Dear society, stop your bullshit!!

Dear friends, stop your bullshit!! Where were you when I was crying alone yesterday? And where was your:: that, that big supporting hands when I had gone down to my knees? You didn’t even give a fuck to me that time, and today you are giving me those big lectures on friendship that, "Man cannot live like a drop of oil on water, he needs friends, he needs accompanies"!! Oh screw you people!!

Dear teachers!!stop your bullshit. Allright?? Do you think it is easy to come up with what Einstein did at his life and learn his theories? I don’t care whether Neil Bohr is correct or Rutherford? I just simply don’t. And common, we all students know what you do. When the topic is tough, and you have a problem, then whenever we ask questions then how nicely you modify it and nullify it. And when you ask questions and we can't answer, then there we go to another forty minutes of how you were when you were student, how you read, your percentage in bachelors, degress!! We don’t care. We simply don’t. And yes I don’t see any point in learing structures like, "मद्वरा काम गरियो।" Who says it and when?? Oh common teachers, stop your bullshit!! 

So, I've learnt that everyone should stop their bullshit. Stop advising others, stop suggesting others, stop bragging about yourself. If there is what it takes for you to win inside you, then go get it, else just shut up and stop advising about how to do it the proper way. 

Now I know that there will be many comments called, "Stop your bullshit". But anyways, till my next article, I bid good bye then, despedida!!!

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She Challenges Science

She1 puzzles science. Every human is supposed to have a three layered skin. But She1 has an extra layer of skin on her face that has been deposited by the fair and lovely she has been using since she was seven years old, that was actually intended to make her skin glow after seven days she used it, but look today, she is seventeen and has already used seventeen hundred fair and lovely, no results seen but still she is very patient. Anna Hazare is panient? Ha!!! compare with her…..

She2 looks at mirror and says to herself that she is actually looking prettier by fair and lovely which is really amazing and challenges science because she neither suffers from myopia nor hypermetropia but still it is amazing that she only can see such significant outcomes. Her parents tried to convince her, they took her to Tripureshwor for eye check up, bought a new mirror, zoomed her photographs in front of her but her mind set up and earth before "big bang" are basically the same, no theories seem to work on either of the cases.

She3 is another amazing case. She has proved science to be correct + protected the nose of all those beauty products. (Umm impressive.) But the problem with She3 is that she boasts her beauty to the world just as if she is princess charming who has just landed to the earth after all the beautiful girls of the world have died…. But dear, ninety percent of your beauty, which you think exists, is washed away once you walk in rain when the ponds( googly googly) from your skin is washed off, five percent of your "self called" beauty diffuses once your strong perfume bottle is emptied, and remaining five percent of your "so called" beauty goes off once your nail polish remover is misplaced. And why are you out there thinking you are the most beautiful girl? Serious advise for She3, dear: the things you are using as beauty products are not beauty products. They are, "SHOW OFF" products. Thought of the day for you darling.

She4 is the most modern or bold or shall I say "revealing" type of girl in the college. When I am using the word, "revealing", I am not talking about her ideas, I am talking about her clothes…..I should not be saying clothes, I should rather be saying, "Clothes??" Whatever that is, there are many she4 in every college who are rather like sodium metal, common, didn’t you get it? Damn it I am trying to say, "Hot". But, darling, ninety percent of your hotness becomes "thanda" once the college bans short skirts, the remaining ten percent of your hotness will itself freeze once your dad sees you wearing transparent white shirt in your college uniform and dear what is the thing that you boast too much about? I am here sitting here with my ears opened. Enlighten me, please!!!

She5 category is the group of "shes" who wears decent, talks decent, and is satisfied to be, "She5". They don’t go out with jerks. They are bold and are proud to be who they are. They rise above the Garnier products and believe that they should be beautiful for who they are, not because who they are (clever one na?). And, umm….sad part about She5 is that they are just damn too rare…..few, damn!!! phew!!!!

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