Heart Speaks

Dear love,

The swiftest horse was born to run, the rainbow was meant to be stared at, the birds were meant to fly, this hand was meant to write you this letter, you were meant to feel it.

Here I am; gathering more courage than I ever had, and perhaps more than I will ever have to letting you know that I have wrestled enough with myself… Sometimes it felt like I won, sometimes it felt like they won. And after ultimate realization, I guess none of them ever wins, it’s a never ending battle.

I fought with those feelings enough with every ounce of courage I had. I refuse to think about it. I ignore it. I delete it. I change the topic. I increase the volume. I change the song. I block it out. I run away. I scream, I shout. I wash my face, I go for walk. I call my pals, I laugh with friends. But at each moment there is a silent war within me. At each moment there is a me wishing you were here. At each moment there is a me looking for an eternal peace, in other words, looking for you.

Yes, I understand that there is not a single heart in this world that does not have problem with another heart. These streets are flooding with the invisible blood pouring from everyone’s heart, bleeding inside, silently screaming, crying in agony and pain. Crazy how the dictionary is a big bulky book, when it comes down to saying how you feel, all the pages seem empty. Crazy how all these hormones eventually begin to rule you…

I am not saying that I cannot live without you. It's just that I do not want to. Of course I will eventually be fine. Even those deepest scars, they fade away with time, don’t they? Even those shattered pieces of heart find a way back to each piece and fit exactly as before as if they were never broken in the first place. It will be stupidity of me to think that my life cannot run without you, it can. I will learn to smile again, maybe it will be different from the one you had taught me. But believe me, smile, I will. I will still be laughing at all those silly jokes, I will still be tweeting, I will still be blogging, Modern Family will still be funny, MJ would still entertain me, adventures of Sherlock Holmes would still thrill me. But again letting you go will still be tragic, I will be heartbroken and no matter how much I try to minimize those lonely thoughts, I guess there will be a hollowness inside me.

As time keeps on twisting me, I am learning that the hardest thing to govern in this world is heart. Till today I tried to hide away from it, run away thinking that these eventually die. But then again as it turns out you cannot have a life by avoiding life itself. Love is not something purchased in the market you see, it does not come with price tags, warranty and guaranty. You cannot buy everything, you cannot predict the endurance of everything. Love is really fragile. And perhaps we are not even its best mother. We can just hope that love finds its way out into this dreary world and survives against all odds where people think more and feel less.

Time is crazy isn’t it? One moment think you are the strongest one, next moment you are thrashed down and all you know is you are crying for help loudly than ever before. Sadness is sometimes just a laughter away, happiness, just a tear drop away. Till I met you, I thought I had the most resistant heart one can ever have, now it's funny how you penetrated your ways inside me without giving me a clue of what's happening and as I see you I just smile, I don't know why, I just do.

“And they lived happily thereafter” is a fictional theme. I am not a fool floating in air. I know it does not exist, so neither am I expecting it from you. But “They trusted each other with all their soul and lived eternally sometimes compromising BETWEEN each other and FOR each other, simply because they loved to see each other smile” is possible I guess. Because the first thing about love is compromise, not because you will get something in return but because their happiness is your happiness.

Love does not make the world go around, its gravity. But it certainly makes the ride of the life better. Rainbow looks brighter, chirping of birds sound sweeter, the food served with the memories seem tastier. Funny as I think about it, crazy love!!

But it is heart and heart is stupid. It does no math. It is like a small child. It does not see the big obstacles. It only sees what it wants. And when it does not get what it wants, its when it breaks, its when it bleeds, its when it cries with the loudest cry one can produce.

I know that I sound crazy don’t I? May be I am, maybe I am not. Perhaps I am simply being stupid. But as they say love is stupid as long as you are not willing to be stupid you don’t deserve to be loved or to be in love. So no matter whether you love me or not, I love you. And even if the fact that I love you, disappoints you, then I am not sorry because it is how it feels and one cannot be sorry for how he feels, so I am not taking my words back either. Here, I am saying it proudly that I have fallen in love with this beautiful girl who is reading this letter, and I want to let her know that I really, really, really love her.

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Versus

"Your love leaves you and you think everything ends. It doesn't. You go through a rough rough day and think the life itself is rough. It isn't. They laugh at us at times and we begin to doubt ourselves. We shouldn't."

I remember the day I was second for the first time in my life. It was class 7 first term. I cried, I cried a lot, I cried my heart out. I thought the world ended. It didn't.

I remember the day I was beaten, and by beaten I mean severely beaten by our EPH teacher with stick and pipe. It was class nine. I did not go to school the other day because it was just so damn embarrassing. I thought the world ended, it didn't.

I got selected in the debate competition by SAARC. But I couldn't secure a position there. I felt terribly terribly bad. I remember that feeling. It was frustration mixed with anger and guilt, no need to mention that I was engulfed by sadness. I thought the world ended, it didn't.

And I guess it does not as well. Until and unless there is that heart within you pumping the blood, contracting and relaxing, believe me your world does not end as well.

Yes, at times we feel everything ended. Your love leaves you and you think everything ends. It doesn't. You go through a rough rough day and think the life itself is rough. It isn't. We meet some bad people and feel everyone except us is bad. They aren't. We go through some bad exams and think we are poor at learning. We aren't. They laugh at us at times and we begin to doubt ourselves. We shouldn't. We cry at times and think the life is filled with tears. It isn't. We encounter some awkward and embarrassing moments in life and shut ourselves down within four walls afraid to face the outer world. We shouldn't.

You need to wipe your tears and begin again. Because my friend, your world is not going to end at some awkward moment, poor result, heartbreak, bad experiences. Trust me, it isn't. The greatest mistake one can make is to think he is dead and not do anything when in fact he isn't. So this is the call of the moment, get up. Because everything, and by everything I mean everything happens for a reason.

Your love left you so that you could meet someone new who wouldn't leave you. You met some bad people so that you know that not everyone around you can be trusted. You went through some awkward and embarrassing moments so that you wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. You went through a rough day so that you will be happy when you have a good day. I remember a line from How I met your mother where Ted says to Barney, "Everyday cannot be legendary. Because if each day is legendary, then none of the days is legendary".

Because experiences will help us, both the bad ones and the good ones. You need to know that your world does not end at some rough patches. Believe me it does not.

It is a long, long fight. Who has seen the crystal ball? Who knows whether there will be bed of roses or gates of fire?? You need to prepare yourself for even harder moments. It is stupidity to give up at something that should not even attract your attention. You are here to do conquer, one bad storm and you are thinking of giving up?? Well you shouldn't. Get up on your feet and fight back. Your world hasn't ended and as long as it hasn't you need to fight. Darwin's survival of fittest, remember??

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Eighteen Inches

“You call that happy? I call it illusiion!! Love is a chemical defect, it works exactly opposite to your common senses. It is destructive to logical faculty.”

"No, it is wrong", the brain said, loudly this time, perhaps with a bigger fear. The one who is afraid is the one to talk louder because he is the one who needs to show that he is not afraid!! An actor can imitate everything, but how can he imitate reflex action??

"Why is it wrong?", heart replied. My heart was speaking for the first time in seventeen years, and yes it had logic!! "Is it wrong to be happy? Is it wrong to be with the person that can make you smile without any reason? Is it wrong to live your life with a REAL smile and not a FAKE one? Why is it wrong?", heart was furious, "I don’t get it", said the heart!!

"You don’t get it, then darling, at least try to get it!! You call that happy? I call it illusiion!! Love is a chemical defect, it works exactly opposite to your common senses. It is destructive to logical faculty. Listen, when you make your happiness dependent on others, that becomes your pressure point, and there baby, you loose it. The only reason you are able to fool many people is because you are a beautiful lie, and I, I am the hard truth, and I am not like others, NO, I am not the common wealth!!", replied the brain heavily. It was brain, the logical centre, talking about logics, giving reasons, looking at the advantage and disadvantage of every single item, through every angles possible. It always did one cool thing that impressed me, it gave logics and played with a cool toy, reason!!

There was difference of eighteen inches between these two bastards, brain and heart and say there was world war between them!! Cannon balls flying over them, none of them willing to loose, both equally competent!! Yes, there used to be frequent fights between them, but brain would always win. But this? This was far too big. There could only be one winner. Even, thinking of making these two co-operate with each other would be simply stupidity and I by no means was stupid. Defeat of one of them was certain!!

"Oh, look at you dear brain", it was heart's turn to reply, "talking loudly, giving logics!! Your logic can conquer moon, but it can never explain why a hungry mother would feed her children instead of feeding herself? And there, yes, there your logic fails!! I know that you won’t admit it, but your LOGICAL FACULTY is destroyed in seconds, the moment she smiles at you!! Nah, you talk big, your logical faculty is nothing!! The real truth is, you are a real big coward brain, you're afraid you'd lose her, so you're giving these logics, masking yourself and you're speaking against love just like the fox saying, "the grapes are not tasty". The fox wants it, but it cannot get it, so it simply says that the grapes are not tasty. Nahh!! You're just a big coward. Today you're afraid that you'd lose her. Look at you today, you're afraid!!", heart was in absolutely no mood to lose!!

Afraid? Me? Baby, have a life. I don’t care about other bodies, but in this one, I am the king, and you are only an appendix. And that perhaps is the reason why I right at people's head and you are below me. I am the logic centre, unlike you, I clearly know what is right and what is wrong, and I decide it in seconds using senses, but you?? You talk lovely stuff; you talk exactly what one wants to hear. You appear beautiful from outside, you appear bright, you attract moths, and later burn them with your heat. And darling I am not a moth!! You're just a big liar, giving others false hopes, giving them unnecessary puzzles and you watch them dance.", brain had all the winning experience. It knew exactly when to play the hard balls and when to play the soft ones!!

Brain would communicate me by sending impulse and heart via hormones. Impulse would travel lot quicker; brain had a clear advantage over heart. "Listen champ", the impulse said, "The game of life becomes too elaborate for people, they simply get carried away. They forget their path, they forget their goals, they forget their ambitions, they forget their purpose and they get distracted, they flow in sentiments, emotions and feelings. I have high sympathy for them.  But tomorrow, I don’t want you to be like them. Yes, it appears lovely from outside, it is persuading, I accept it. But its false, it is fake, it is simply an illusion, it is mere a mirage. That thing beating in your chest is your heart and you should never let it rule your head. Because the heart is fake, it gives false hopes, makes people believe false things. It is a spider, it makes thousands of threads and it is simply going to clap as you dance in its web.", said brain, trying its best to persuade me. I had never seen my brain struggle so hard to convince me. May be this followed the Darwin's law, "Survival of the fittest", remember it? It was do or die for both of them!!

At the end of the day, the brain was right!! People begin to flow in sentiments and forget what is right and what is wrong. They see what they want to see, they hear what they want to hear and they interpret the way they want things to be. Yes, the brain was completely right. That thing beating in chest should be a vermiform appendix, just pump blood and that is it, you're done there. The brain was right.

"Tring", "Tring", my mobile rang, it was her text. Involuntarily, I smiled. "The game is not over", the heart replied!! Eighteen inches, eighteen years, and damn it, the game is still not over!!

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