Heart Speaks

Dear love,

The swiftest horse was born to run, the rainbow was meant to be stared at, the birds were meant to fly, this hand was meant to write you this letter, you were meant to feel it.

Here I am; gathering more courage than I ever had, and perhaps more than I will ever have to letting you know that I have wrestled enough with myself… Sometimes it felt like I won, sometimes it felt like they won. And after ultimate realization, I guess none of them ever wins, it’s a never ending battle.

I fought with those feelings enough with every ounce of courage I had. I refuse to think about it. I ignore it. I delete it. I change the topic. I increase the volume. I change the song. I block it out. I run away. I scream, I shout. I wash my face, I go for walk. I call my pals, I laugh with friends. But at each moment there is a silent war within me. At each moment there is a me wishing you were here. At each moment there is a me looking for an eternal peace, in other words, looking for you.

Yes, I understand that there is not a single heart in this world that does not have problem with another heart. These streets are flooding with the invisible blood pouring from everyone’s heart, bleeding inside, silently screaming, crying in agony and pain. Crazy how the dictionary is a big bulky book, when it comes down to saying how you feel, all the pages seem empty. Crazy how all these hormones eventually begin to rule you…

I am not saying that I cannot live without you. It's just that I do not want to. Of course I will eventually be fine. Even those deepest scars, they fade away with time, don’t they? Even those shattered pieces of heart find a way back to each piece and fit exactly as before as if they were never broken in the first place. It will be stupidity of me to think that my life cannot run without you, it can. I will learn to smile again, maybe it will be different from the one you had taught me. But believe me, smile, I will. I will still be laughing at all those silly jokes, I will still be tweeting, I will still be blogging, Modern Family will still be funny, MJ would still entertain me, adventures of Sherlock Holmes would still thrill me. But again letting you go will still be tragic, I will be heartbroken and no matter how much I try to minimize those lonely thoughts, I guess there will be a hollowness inside me.

As time keeps on twisting me, I am learning that the hardest thing to govern in this world is heart. Till today I tried to hide away from it, run away thinking that these eventually die. But then again as it turns out you cannot have a life by avoiding life itself. Love is not something purchased in the market you see, it does not come with price tags, warranty and guaranty. You cannot buy everything, you cannot predict the endurance of everything. Love is really fragile. And perhaps we are not even its best mother. We can just hope that love finds its way out into this dreary world and survives against all odds where people think more and feel less.

Time is crazy isn’t it? One moment think you are the strongest one, next moment you are thrashed down and all you know is you are crying for help loudly than ever before. Sadness is sometimes just a laughter away, happiness, just a tear drop away. Till I met you, I thought I had the most resistant heart one can ever have, now it's funny how you penetrated your ways inside me without giving me a clue of what's happening and as I see you I just smile, I don't know why, I just do.

“And they lived happily thereafter” is a fictional theme. I am not a fool floating in air. I know it does not exist, so neither am I expecting it from you. But “They trusted each other with all their soul and lived eternally sometimes compromising BETWEEN each other and FOR each other, simply because they loved to see each other smile” is possible I guess. Because the first thing about love is compromise, not because you will get something in return but because their happiness is your happiness.

Love does not make the world go around, its gravity. But it certainly makes the ride of the life better. Rainbow looks brighter, chirping of birds sound sweeter, the food served with the memories seem tastier. Funny as I think about it, crazy love!!

But it is heart and heart is stupid. It does no math. It is like a small child. It does not see the big obstacles. It only sees what it wants. And when it does not get what it wants, its when it breaks, its when it bleeds, its when it cries with the loudest cry one can produce.

I know that I sound crazy don’t I? May be I am, maybe I am not. Perhaps I am simply being stupid. But as they say love is stupid as long as you are not willing to be stupid you don’t deserve to be loved or to be in love. So no matter whether you love me or not, I love you. And even if the fact that I love you, disappoints you, then I am not sorry because it is how it feels and one cannot be sorry for how he feels, so I am not taking my words back either. Here, I am saying it proudly that I have fallen in love with this beautiful girl who is reading this letter, and I want to let her know that I really, really, really love her.